I'm a Jerk

Over the last few years I had started becoming aware of something, that something was a little off. Something was not quite right. I would be out with friends and I'd start feeling a little bad, guilty even, and I couldn't know why.

After a while I figured out that this feelings gnawing at the edges of my awareness usually coincided with me feeling grumpy, or surly, or impatient. So I started asking my friends, "do I seem different to you?" or "am I being a jerk?" And always the answers were "not really" or "you seem normal to us" or "no more a jerk than usual."

So I just chalked it up to male PMS and carried on. Months passed.

Recently a friend and I were helping another friend get some furniture at IKEA, load it into a rental van, get the furniture back to my friend's home, unload and assemble. And I knew that I was being a jerk. Not a big jerk, but I was being a jerk. So I said to them "hey, I'm sorry I'm being a jerk," to which they said "you're being normal, don't worry about it."

It took about an hour for that to sink in. "You seem normal to us." "No more a jerk than usual." "You're being normal." None of these say "you're not being a jerk." They're all saying "you're acting like you usually do." And when someone says "you're being normal" when you know you're being a jerk, this probably means you're a jerk.

"So what you're saying is that when I'm being normal, I'm being a jerk?" I inquired.

"Pretty much."

"So I'm a jerk?"

"Yeah. You're surprised?" I was surprised.

"Yeah! I had no idea! Why didn't you guys tell me?!?"

"We thought you liked being a jerk!"

Okay, so yeah, I like being a jerk. Or I used to. I never really thought about being a jerk, but there it was. I'm a jerk. What I had been slowly realizing is that there are consequences to being a jerk: three first dates in the last five years and zero second dates; people with a look of unease when I speak with them; only very tolerant or edgy people will associate with me voluntarily.

For the last few years I had thought I was a nice guy because I did nice things: I give money to charity; drive my elderly grandmother to church every Sunday; take care of kids at another church; keep a house full of rescue animals; help out my friends whenever I can. I go out of my way to help people.

Problem is that I do those nice things is part because it allows be to be a jerk. Think about it, if someone is a jerk all the time and has no redeeming qualities, nobody is going to hang out with that guy. But if that guy cares about and helps people, does lots of good things, then all of the sudden it might be worth it to put up with the crap because of the good stuff.

This too makes me a jerk.

I think it's time to stop being a jerk.